To me, looking at conflict as generative rather than destructive situation means first a shift in focus. Yes, conflict can hurt, and be uncomfortable, and it’s also what opens the way to change things that aren’t working for everyone. In that way, conflict moves us towards life. But how do we do it? Holding conflict as generative is a deep, lifelong practice that runs counter to dominant cultural narratives about conflict being bad. It’s not something we’re going to switch up overnight. It’s also somewhere that movement leaders, healers, and change makers have already been working for decades. I’d like to offer some framework for how to show up to conflict trusting it a little more as a generative force.
This is not meant to be a comprehensive how-to that takes into account every corner case and possible application. Please receive this as an overview of some concepts that I think & feel are integral to letting conflict be a generative place.
Mutual Dignity
I put the most important one first! Dignity means we are inherently deserving of safety, dignity, and belonging. Nothing we can do earns us this dignity, and nothing we can do can take it away. Mutual dignity is about dignity that is simultaneous, co-occurring -- we don’t have to take turns having it. There is enough to go around. Mutual dignity in the context of generative conflict means, to me, slowing down to a pace that allows me to feel & remember: how we feel & what we want matters.
If our goal is to hold mutual dignity, then it also becomes easier to notice when dignity is not being held by everyone involved. In these contexts, to me, mutual dignity means holding a wish that we get access to the transformative healing we need. It means remembering that no one is entitled to a relationship with anyone else. It means remembering that quitting harmful relationships (or harmful dynamics) is an option, more often than not. It means trusting that if everyone involved in the conflict is staying in, there is investment in finding a way forward. If this good faith isn’t held on all sides, if dignity isn’t mutually held by all sides, then generative conflict seems a lot less possible.
Embodied Consent
It’s easier to be in generative conflict when we can trust each other’s boundaries, yeses, nos, and maybes. When we can trust each other to assess our own needs and communicate them accordingly, we can honestly avoid a lot of conflict before it escalates. How comfortable are we making centered requests of each other? What about saying a centered "yes", or a centered "no"? This can mean a "yes" that is not automatic, or a "no" that leaves everyone's dignity intact. How comfortable are we hearing yeses and nos? The more embodied these relational skills are, the easier time we're going to have shifting the conditions that created conflict.
Giving & Receiving Assessments
Sometimes, we need to receive or give feedback with each other. This is normal, & not something we have a deep practice around in dominant culture. Feedback that is consensual, grounded, & offered in areas of our expertise/competence helps move us toward more of what we want. Not all the feedback out there in the world is going to feel super grounded or competent, though! We’ve all been there. In these cases, ability to discern the levels of ground, skill, & competence in assessments we may or may not have asked for can help us let things go that truly aren’t about us. Skillful feedback is: consensual! Grounded! In a domain that we are qualified! This means if I don’t really understand the ins and outs of someone’s work, I’m not going to offer them feedback about how they can do their job better. Skillful feedback processes also acknowledge that one person's feedback is not the whole truth. Offering feedback that is skillful and grounded-- as well as being able to receive feedback without letting it threaten our dignity -- are both essential for meeting conflicts as places of growth.
Familiarity with Our own reactivity
If you’re reading this, odds are you’re in a human body (not a certainty in this age, but there you have it). Being in a human body means, in part, that we have nervous systems that get activated. The things that activate our nervous systems make a lot of sense (wow I almost got mowed down by that car! Scary! Adrenaline!) and sometimes they make less sense (wow the way you set that cup down a little too hard just sent me want to light your apartment on fire). These reactions are going to be part of us for the duration, as far as I can tell. If we can build awareness of how we react in situations of pressure, that can create space to come back to center, come back to present time, come back to mutual dignity, & choose to respond to the situation in a way that aligns with what we value. This is slow work. But it is possible to change how reactive we are, in part by getting to know how we move when we get activated.
taking generative conflict
concepts forward
As a somatics nerd, I am interested in practicing toward embodying these concepts in ways that bring all of my living tissues online. I'm also keen on practicing new moves when the heat is low, so, in moments of escalated pressure, there's a muscle memory/neural pathway already there. This might look like feeling for a shape I can take with my whole body that lets me feel the dignity of myself & others at the same time, then resting there for a few minutes a few times a day. Or it might look like making a gesture that means "no" or "yes", and taking on that gesture while speaking & moving from center. What else is involved in generative conflict? How do you practice?
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